last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
