Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
