i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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