Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
