You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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