We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
