On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
