he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
