Im at strip club and am horny
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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