Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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