I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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