I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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