Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
