wanna go halves on a baby?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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