On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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