haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
