I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
