On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
