How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
