next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
