Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
