I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
