Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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