I need help removing her.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
