that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
