I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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