he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
