We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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