The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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