he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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