i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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