So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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