Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
