Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
