you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
