just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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