Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
