Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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