Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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