Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
