Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
