A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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