gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
