i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
