dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
