We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
