Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize