I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Congratulations! We have a period
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
