i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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