Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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