Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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