Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
did you just send me my own nude
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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