Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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